Seed Views

Seed View for July 11th, 2011

This is a view of the funniest thing I saw all day.  It was a slow day, but even on an exciting day, this picture would’ve made me laugh.  It’s how my mind works.

Today was my first day back to work from vacation.  I came back to my apartment after work and picked up almost 2 weeks worth of junk mail that was shoved in my mailbox.  The well-entrenched interwebz still hasn’t prevented the snail mail junk mail parade from continuing to clog up my physical mailbox.

The junk mail you receive via the US Postal Service still remains vastly different from the junk mail you receive on the internet.  I don’t get hand-written letters in the mail from some 14-year-old South Korean punk kid asking me if I still “get good wood”.  I don’t get letters from a housewife in Guadalajara wanting to see if I want to increase the size of my “love stick” by 4 inches.  I don’t get letters from a down-on-his-luck prince from Sierra Leone asking if I will go to the nearest Bank of America to withdraw $1,500,000,000 dollars for him, if which, I can keep 10%.  Those letters never make it to my apartment’s mailbox, but they fucking pile up in my email junk mail folder like nobody’s business.

As I began throwing out all of the useless flyers and advertisements, this ad from the photo above caught my eye and I started laughing out loud.  And I laughed out loud for a good 15 seconds.  This picture just killed me.  I paid no attention to the actual advertisement itself, I was strictly focusing on the strapping young gent in the picture.

Just look at this guy.  Feast your eyes on the maleness before you and try not to be blown away.  It’s hard because his masculinity renders us all powerless in his midst.  If there was another member of the Village People, he would be it and his name would be “The Mechanic”.  Notice his hose-handling skills and the way that he has a firm grasp on that air gun.  He means business, people.  And I know he means business because he has a mustache and this song meant just for him…“I’ll Come Running” by Brian Eno.

Or is this the drummer with the crazy mustache from the 80’s hair metal band, Blue Murder, who had one hit, “Valley of the Kings”, that I still have on my iPhone?  I think it could be him, but unfortunately he traded in those luscious, curly black locks for a state trooper buzz cut.  I’ll bet he can still twirl that air gun between his fingers like a muthafucka.

I’m sure this guy meant well when he posed for this picture.  I’m sure he thought to himself, “This is nice.  I’m getting some solid work and an OK payday from a well-established auto repair facility.  My prospects are good.”  But I wonder if he then saw the picture and said to himself, “I look like a fucking moron.  And I left my wedding ring on!  What a dork I am!!”

I also inadvertently received a Victoria’s Secret catalog in my mailbox.  It had someone else’s name on it, but listed my address.  Oh darn.  I’ve been perusing the catalog with a vigorous attention to detail over the last couple of hours and I can’t find any photos as funny as this one and, believe you me, I’ve tried.  I will say that the South Korean punk kid and the housewife from Guadalajara could have saved themselves by just sending me this catalog.  By the way, there’s free shipping when you spend over $100, ladies.  Just thought I’d point that out.  I’m here to help.

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